Another year, another collection of questionable decision-making skills on full display. Welcome back to the returning veterans who just can’t get enough of this beautiful disaster, and a big sarcastic congrats to the rookies who have no idea what they've gotten themselves into. We've got a record-smashing 248 entries this year, which means even more people to mock, more shattered dreams, and an even bigger pile of terrible picks to roast. This is what March was made for.
Funny how I can go an entire year and hear nothing but crickets from you degenerates, but the moment there's a minor (ok fine, completely catastrophic) issue with the website, suddenly my phone becomes more popular than a free OnlyFans account. Where were you all when I needed help moving? Where were all the texts when I needed to borrow fifty bucks? I assume you were all too busy scouting the Tar Heels...
But don't worry donkeys, everything is fixed now. I even added a new feature to the Participants page allowing you to filter by division. Soon(ish), you'll even be able to filter by division on the standings page, because I just love catering to you ungrateful whiners. But enough about your relentless need to point out my every mistake—let's talk about your even bigger mistakes: your picks.
You didn't think you were skating by without me pointing out the dumpster fire that is your entry did you? Not a chance. Let's start with the 87 of you who picked Clemson. I'm not saying that was a bad idea, but they're out faster than a Tinder date who found out you still live with your parents.
And then there's the 83 of you who picked North Carolina. Wow. Just wow. They were 1-13 against teams with a pulse this season, but you saw them smack around San Diego State and thought, "Yep, that's my champion!" Just admit that was the only college basketball game you watched all year, and you made your pick based on nothing more than a misleading highlight reel. Let's try a little harder next season, shall we?
The "Where Have You Been?!?" Award – Derek "Wetzel's" Etzel
Derek, my guy - you called, you texted, you sent certified letters—heck, I was half-expecting a skywriter to let me know the Participants page wasn't loading right. If only you put this much effort into your bracket, maybe you wouldn't be watching your teams get bounced like a bad check. But thanks for keeping me on my toes.
The "Thanks for the Donation" Award – Blake "Flame Broiled" Kitrell
Blake, losing two teams in the first round is bad luck. Losing three is a rough start. Losing SIX? That's a special kind of disaster. You're more done than Donald Trump's steaks—burnt, overpriced, and completely inedible. If you're looking for other "done" comparisons, just Google Blockbuster, MySpace, or your chances of winning this thing. But hey, thanks for playing!
The "Stalker Alert" Award – Justin "Always Be" Prepared Case
Justin, I appreciate enthusiasm. I appreciate dedication. But showing up in my DMs all year long? That's a commitment I wasn’t ready for. Once you start showing up at my house on a random Thursday in September, I'm going to really worry. That's a level of devotion that makes me question if I need to install security cameras. Attention BigDumbOx addicts, if I go missing, I want everyone to start by questioning Justin first.
Before I leave, I suggest you all go check the Participants page and make sure you've paid your entry fee. If your name is in red, that means I either don't have your money or I'm messing with you (but probably the first one). Get it in before Monday, or not only will you be booted, but you might just earn a lifetime spot on the Banned List—currently featuring four Hall of Shame members who thought I was joking.
That's enough for today. After dealing with you degenerates all week, I'm off to take a bong hit, chug a PBR, snort a line, shoot some whiskey, pop a gummy, and then exhale...
Good luck!
The Commish